Not So Divorced

Every so often you get one of these, I think my wife is cheating, I think my husband is cheating, I think my Lama is seeing other Lamas, cases that you just gave to write about, ad well, I have just wrapped up that sort of case, and I don’t mind telling you there are some pictures that you take with that massive zoom lens that you can just not unsee.

I don’t mind telling you I am still rinsing my eye out after this.

So, lets see if I can write this story so that I am naming no one and not going too much away, but I am sorry if its a Lama Farmer then what the hell do you expect, and you should know better than to use a milking stool for that sort of thing!!!

So, it all starts as a normal day, the hangover is doing its best to make my eyes pop out of their sockets and my brain is having an argument with my groin about the requirement of release whatever it was that I was drinking last night, over the idea that I am sitting in some place nice and quiet and the chair is good enough why don’t I just piss myself, that’s an argument that being comfortable is the one thing you never really want to win out.

Because lets face it sitting in a puddle of your own piss isn’t going to be comfortable when it gets cold, even with the bonus of having not to get up.

While that was going on, the door opened, no one knocks anymore, and well who really needs to, manners are a thing of the past.

The woman was all woman, but for what looked like the most massive box of chocolate she had under her arm which made her look a little strange, but the problem was obvious, she had been crying and attempting to apply make up at the same time, don’t do it ladies!

My husband, my husband, he didn’t come home last night, I think he has another woman, and well, what the hell else could I say?

Maybe he’s dead in a ditch some place, it happens you know.

Yeah, am I that heartless?

Of course I am, I was about to piss myself, I needed to say something to shock the brain into stopping the argument.

No, No, I know he has another woman.

Well, that’s all right then, give me some details and I shall do some digging, I guarantee that the pictures you get will settle the matter and win your the divorce settlement that you are looking for, you’ll never have to go and get your nails done again, they will come to you.

This made her ears perk up and settle my brain down, I was beginning to get into clever mode, this was just what I needed.

His name is David Sutton, and I think I even know where you will find him, I want to know for sure.

Well, Mrs. Sutton, if you can scratch down the details here while I just….

Aren’t you going to go right away?

Well, actually I am, if just….

I was told you are a man of action, someone who gets the job done…

You keep me standing here mam and you’ll see some action all right, I just need….

Oh, of course….


Note to self, make sure you keep your belt buckled even if it is uncomfortable, standing up, pants down, not a good look.

The relief was, exactly that. I often wondered why I put that picture in the bathroom, it was really rather special it should be in the main office, but then again amoungst the mess would it stand out enough?

Sorry about that Mrs Sutton, now where exactly do you think your husband is and I will get on the case.

Its Mrs Davis actually and you’ll find him just outside the city there is a little quiet country place where they hold some raves.

Ah, yes, I know the place, I have never been there but I have seen it in the news, they have some interesting ideas about what makes a good crop.

Why is it you know that he is there? Does he enjoy a good rave, or is he into something more specific?

Its to do with the land, he is in real estate, he has been working on a deal to build a new community out there a few houses and some park land etc..

We own a few gated communities, they are a good investment really.

Right, I shall head out there now and see what I can find, if I may ask, why Davis, did you not take your husbands name?

Well, I went back to my maiden name when we got divorced.

Ah, that all fits then.

Its was a nice drive out to the country, well not really the country but a nice little spot that wasn’t the city, the way they are designing things now, what is the city never really looks like a city until you get out of the place that they call the city the you see all the buildings, but hey its all the way things are done now, green spaces.

I parked theĀ  car, a mile or so away and decided that a walk through the woods would do me good and I knew that I could do my part for the wilderness and water a few trees on my way, I think I need to get to a doctor, its like I am a massive liquid container, when I drink I just drink and nothing comes out, when I stop, then its a few hours of sleep and its like the little dutch boy never showed up.

Still the camera over the should and a few rolls of film, I like to do it the old fashioned way, and develop and print, this digital crap will never really take off and the quality isn’t what you get with a good roll of film and a few grand on a camera, lens etc.

When I got close, it was easy enough to see that place had been host to a few very very interesting parties and I could see a couple of nice cars, you wouldn’t really believe that this was a working farm or that anyone actually lived there, but then again if you had seen my office, this would be a place fitĀ  for a queen, and within a few minutes I spotted the queen,

I would not shit you, or is that I shit you not, this was the first picture I got. It looks like the now divorced Mr. Sutton had a thing for queens, well at least the dress make him look like a queen and the farmer, well I guess its unfair to judge someone by their clothes really, but the overalls tend to give it away I think, then there is the bit of straw hanging out of her mouth, I would say Farmer, but you never know these days.

They looked like a right pair, but for the fact there was three of them, pair really would have been the word to use, but when its three does it have to been all the same species?

The Lama, well that was what it was, as this was a sheep farm and a good Lama is worth its weight in wool, and it also provides protection from other nasty things as well.

The Lama, have I mentioned that yet?

Yeah, there is it, a few lines up, well this presents a bit of a shock as it was dressed in what can only be described as one of the best suites I have ever seen, for something with 4 legs, I have yet to be given the name of a tailor, but when I get it, I will makes sure to pass it on, this man is a genius with clothe.

So, that is the picture that you should have in your head, a man as a queen, a Farmer with a set of breasts that make you stop and look twice and in overalls you really only needed to look the once really, and a Lama, who looked like it was about to close a million dollar deal and get laid all within the hour.

Do you want to know more?