Mental Health Cont.

8/11/2019 9:58:48 AM

Its no better or worse, its just the way I live.

Nightmares last night, about what I am doing and about my cats, I am half way around the world away from my house and my pets because, I really don’t know anymore.

I need to  get away, because I am lonely and I want to be with someone or have someone around and when I do, its even more lonely. It could be the company, where I am I feel like it used to be when I was spending time with my parents, my father and I would be scared to death of setting off the bomb that was my mother, and I feel the same way when I am with my friend here, I am always under watch, nothing I do will ever be right and always need to be corrected, even if it is just redoing it in exactly the same way that I have already done it.

I feel powerless and hopeless and there is nothing I can do to change that.

Its almost comforting really, because when I am in this sort of mood it makes it easier to decide how I would kill myself, I have actually come down from the idea of a gun, which is quick and easy and no chance of changing your mind, to simply walking off a building, sure I would hate myself for the few seconds that it took to hit the ground, but I would be dead, at least I hope I would, it would have to be a high building and I think the need for a few pills before had might be a good idea, but I have actually come around to the idea.

Why not, I can’t hate myself anymore or hate my life, and I really do have to come around to the idea that being alive vs being dead is the better option.

I have wanted to write about me for a while, I have been called gifted etc, but its only because I am damaged that I am gifted. I can see things before they happen, what I mean is events in the world and I how things will turn out.

I have written other blogs, and on other places where you will see this, but what sort of gift is that? No one will believe you especially when you give them a logical and simple time line, they think your nuts, but people in large groups are so easy to understand, so many others have written about it, the more open in the room the lower the general IQ.

Liberals only want to play to the lowest common dominator, so that means the moron in the room gets all the control, gets everything he wants and those who actually need or have the knowledge are ignored.

How offensive is that thought eh? But its true, you just go back and look at some of those people we now hold up as wonderful examples of people fighting for justice for all, fighting for the little guy.

To ask the world to do that on mass just makes me some sort of deranged moron myself, but that is what is happening and in the next 50 years if we don’t change it, we will be stuck here on this planet and everything some of the greatest thinkers and writers of our time have foreseen will never happen.

Oh yeah, forget Global warming as the destruction of the earth, really there are much more important things than plastic to worry about!!

Now I am stuck, I am here because I want to teach, or help really, I don’t like being called a teacher, I am here to help, that means I want to work, put me to work. I have found that the more you want to work the less people will want you to do anything, people are scared of those who really really want to work, its now very common.

This is simple to explain, you don’t get someone who wants to work to do the job, because he will show everyone else how little you work, and that means you will have to work harder and that isn’t really what you want, and if the boss sees this guy working, then he might give him a better position and that would also be bad.

About 30 years ago the Canadian government put in place a system to hire only those who it thought would just do the job, and nothing else, people who simple followed the guidelines and would move into a union without thinking, easy to control, now you can see the result.

Those in power just screw up constantly but they can not be replaced, they simple get moved to a better job with more money, and those below just keep on chugging, they took the idea from the military, there you follow orders and you can not question those orders, in the government you need people who don’t give a shit about what they are doing they just follow the guide.

It says you need to walk into a brick wall, so I am sorry sir you need to walk into a brick wall. No sir I don’t think it is stupid, its what it says here so it must be done.

The world has gone and got itself some stupid in a very few years.

I am depressed, I hate my life and what I am doing, I am lonely, and when I settle I am still lonely. No one wants to be with me and those who have wanted to be with me I have somehow chased away, and been an idiot to, and to those who still love me I am sorry, I can’t talk to you about this and I can’t explain anything to you.

You know I am damaged, you want to help, but I don’t know how to accept that help.

Welcome to the its ok to talk BS that you constantly see, it isn’t OK to talk because no one can or will help you.

No matter what, you are responsible for yourself, you are responsible for your actions and you have to fix yourself, what is anyone going to do for me that I can’t do for myself? Listen? Read?

Yeah, that’s going to help