Diary of Mental Health
So here it is, after all this time I am about to write what I have been thinking for years, this will eventually be my suicide note, or book as it goes.
At the age of 52 I find myself fighting daily with depression and the idea of being alone all the time, the constant remind of things past and things that I would love to have changed, but really if you are reading this you don’t care and you don’t know me.
So where should I start? At the beginning? I have spent years blocking out the start of my life, there are many things that I do not remember and many things that I do not want to remember.
Maybe I should start with how I feel and why I feel this way, because I think that is really what is on my mind at the start of this, first thing, with all this BS being posted that it is ok to talk and its ok to have issues etc, that is beyond a joke and the platitudes that I constantly read are embarrassing, especially when it all comes from people who just have to bend over to make money, kick a ball or pretend they are scared in front of a green screen, it makes me laugh.
When you have money you are responsible for your own problem and crying about having mental problems is a fecking joke, stop work go away lock yourself in a room for a few days, you don’t really have problems that can’t be solved.
When I see all the its ok to talk shit, who the hell do you talk to? Where I live, it’s a few years before I can get a family doctor, so do I go to emergency when I am feeling down? I think there are more important things for them to deal with.
Friends? Well, that’s the major issue too, I have friends but they, as most people, have issues of their own and to start pouring my heart out to those who I already know have problems isn’t going to help me and isn’t going to help them.
I have spent the last 5 years of my life chasing something I know I will never actually have, and that is some form of support system, someone to lean on in the times of trouble and when I feel the need to see or just talk to someone.
Now maybe I should tell you a little about me, like I have said at the age of 52 things are just becoming too much and when you step back and look at the embarrassment that this world has become well.
I am on the spectrum, for whatever that is worth, I have a very high IQ and my brain works faster than the majority of people I have ever met, in fact I have only met a few people who can ever keep up with me.
From a young age I was always that kid, the one that got picked on because he was different, the one left behind, the strange kid and when I was young we didn’t have the label that now most children have, now its just used and an excuse for bad behavior we have swung from an age where we just expected kids to get on with it to a bunch where every child has a label and needs help, to be special, and from what I have seen this leaves the really special children behind and doesn’t help those that need it.
Where is the balance, I don’t know, but I know what we are doing now is just as wrong as what happened when I was young.
I don’t think anything could have saved me and turned me into anything that might have helped the world, having an IQ being able to see things and remember things and figure out problems fix or build things doesn’t mean anything, really, even when I try and explain things to people they don’t understand even when I simple draw things out, its beyond them until weeks later they comes back and then say, you are right, why didn’t I see it.
So much in this world if obvious but so much people just want to ignore, that isn’t the right word, but it is the way they seem to deal with things.
So, more about me, well maybe some of my depression and why I am alone is because I have no family and no past, my mother murdered my father, he excuse was as simple as why the fuck shouldn’t I. I guess most of my mental issues come from my mothers side of the family all the females in my mothers family have serious mental issues, my mother was killed by her niece simple because she could get whatever she wanted.
So I lost everything that I ever owned because of greed and the same of my father, I lost everything I would ever have of him because of greed, so greedy that they stole everything from the trunk of my car at his funeral.
Shit like that kind of sticks with you and I am constantly arguing within myself about the horrible family I have, still now I am on my own, I can deal with things, I guess.
I keep my fathers memory alive and some of his friends do, I know. So that is all something good and will remain as long as it can, still this is all stuff that I want to try and forget but I can not, the curse of having such a long term memory that doesn’t forget that I have to make up things to try and live in fantasy worlds so that I can just get by, so this is all being published under James Brogan a private detective character that I have made up and started to write books about, creating something that allows me to escape from this world.
Thank god for Computers and D&D when I was a teenager otherwise I really would have just gone crazy, I was allowed to put my mind into something and that helped me when I dropped out of school, I could always work on a computer, I could always write aprogram make something happen design a game or write something that would go ping or make some noise, I have always enjoyed writing code and trying to figure out things, it has always made me happy.
I am more a take something and make it better type of person, starting something from scratch is not really my thing, I can do it, but I always find it hard to get started, but when I can see it, then it is easier to make it better and completely re design it or start, and create.
I need the egg, then I can make the chicken fly because its stupid to walk across the road.
Now, maybe more about me, I have 2 children, that I know of, well 1, the first a boy I am not really sure about, and it was when I was young, an accident that I have only figured out from a far, but my daughter, if she is mine, again I don’t really know, is now maybe 17 or 18, her mother is someone who reminds me of my own mother, completely selfcentered and who just didn’t care, but then again it does take two and I guess I am also to blame, I am sure I am responsible for many many things, but I have always tried to be good to people, I am one of those who always tries to help and always gets taken for a fool, but once and a while you find someone who actually does care and then that is when I tend to worry because I don’t believe it, finding good people is hard and when I do I treat them badly, and the circle goes on, no way to break it I guess.
Things I am scared of, I hate going to sleep, I hate it, I can not just go to sleep, I need something I need the TV on, I need someone there, or someone in the room, or just to be so tired that I can not keep my eyes open, I find myself writing my book and these words when I am sleeping or when I am walking and then I want to write everything down and trying to figure out what the hell I should do.
I can remember very few times when I was truly happy, which I think is really very sad, I can remember wanting to be happy and instantly being stepped on when I told someone that I was happy or there was something that I was proud of, now that really is human nature that when someone is happy you do your best to tear it down and destroy it, and that I really have no problem with, I can understand that, but again now with twitter its ok to talk about it HAHAHA
Yeah, what a load of shit, you can see the divide. People now make money being morons for others to look at and then imitate and then we watch and laugh as they have “mental health issues” for fucks sake.
Still it makes me laugh, shit like this and too many people fall into the trap we should care for them, they have suffered.
Still, if you can’t see that there is some stupidity that we shouldn’t support then, that is really what will cause the downfall of the human race.
I have issues, and no one is going to help me but me, and I need to deal with them, but then why would I when I can talk to someone and get help, which will only cost me money, and only cost me time only enrich someone else, and only make me poor, and then what happens to my life and any mark that I could make on the world? It never will happen.